Zach Selwyn

Actor. Musician. Host. Writer. Dinner Guest.

  • Re-Examining the 1997 NBA Draft – If I Had Been Selected…
    (Originally published @Nerdist Sports 2017) At the end of my senior year in college – despite having not played organized basketball since high school and maintaining a 1.8 blood alcohol level for four years straight, my friends dared me to declare for the NBA draft. I wrote an official letter the NBA commissioner David Stern and presented my accolades: Six-foot-two. 3.8 G.P.A. Fraternity scoring leader and dunk contest winner on the 8-foot hoop in the parking lot. I wasn’t selected. Looking back now, I have to argue that I might have been a better pick than 75% of the players in the 1997 NBA draft. Sure, the draft produced perennial all-stars Tim Duncan (#1), Chauncey Billups (#3) and Tracy McGrady (#9), but for every one of those guys, there are three Ed Elisma’s (#40), Bubba Wells’ (#34) and Ben Pepper’s (#55). Who’s to say that if I was chosen in the late second round I wouldn’t have made a better impact than a guy like 44th pick Cedric Henderson? I was too short to be a forward, my high school position. My handle wasn’t strong enough to compete for a point guard slot, so basically, my only shot was to be drafted as a shooting guard – and my guess is I would have been picked somewhere around 46 – where Orlando took Alabama marksman Eric Washington. (Whose best year came with the Idaho Stampede in the NBA D-League in 2010). Due to some late garbage time minutes, I estimate I would have averaged roughly 1.2 points a game… Which is more than draft picks C.J. Bruton (#52), Roberto Duenas (#57) and Nate Erdmann (#55) ever averaged in their careers. The 11th pick of the draft was a guy named Tariq Abdul-Wahad. Nobody past the top 10 picks truly ever made a big statement in the NBA. Sure, Stephen Jackson (#42) was a key piece to the 2003 Spurs, Bobby Jackson (#23) was a sixth man sparkplug and Mark Blount (#54) was a dependable center for a few teams – but overall, 1997 was pretty mediocre… Even though I once bought into the ESPN theory that Jacque Vaughn (#27) would be the next Allen Iverson. My own personal draft journey began after a two-game playoff run in the annual 1997 fraternity basketball challenge. It was in a game against Pi Kappa Alpha. Their starting point guard tried to take me off the dribble to the left. I stuck my arm just above his bounce and poked the ball free into the open court. I ran after it, scooped it up and laid it in for the victory. My fraternity, Alpha Epsilon Pi had won our first play-off game in 10 years. In our next contest, we gave the brothers of Sigma Alpha Epsilon a good run, and I poured in 21 points. Ultimately, we lost on a late technical foul call when I got kicked out for calling the referee a “dickbag.” It was after that game, while consuming a lot of Natural Light beer, that I decided to declare for the draft. On draft day 1997, I sat on my mother’s couch with baited anticipation as the others had their moments. I ordered some pizza for my family. My mother thought I had lost my mind. As the evening progressed, I had seen enough of the long, tailored mustard and pinstriped suits making their way to the podium to shake David Stern’s hand. I watched as guys like Tony Battie (#5), Danny Fortson (#10) and Antonio Daniels (#4) put on those crisp new NBA caps. I accepted the inevitable as the first round telecast came to an end. The second round was only on the radio, so I sat in my Civic, listening in. “And with the 48th pick in the 1997 NBA Draft, the Washington Bullets select Predrag Drobnjak from KK Partizan, Serbia.” Really? A guy named Predrag was taken? Nobody could even pronounce his name. So what if he was a six-foot-eleven three time Euro League National Champion? I played on the frat tournament second runner-up team! Most of the players from the ’97 draft ended up overseas, injured or, in Ron Mercer’s (#6) case, involved in a strip club assault or two. I was no different – except for the fact that I never played one minute in the NBA. Then again, neither did Serge Zwikker (#29), Mark Sanford (#30) or Gordon Malone (#44). I still think I would have had a shot. Ed. Note: Zach Selwyn currently averages 15.2 points per game in his over 40-YMCA league.
    @nerdist basketball Comedy David Stern NBA NBA Draft sports sports writing tim duncan
  • Zachariah’s new song explores the corporate logo marketing travesty that all of us 90’s kids endure every time we see a Nirvana or Ramones shirt for sale in Target or Wal-Mart. Back in 1992 I had to go to the concert to buy a $30 shirt. Now the logo is on onesies.

    DOWNLOAD SONG HERE! – https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/nirvana-t-shirt-single/id1035706248

    dave grohl kurt cobain nirvana Ramones Zach Selwyn Zachariah t shirt
  • Hair Transplants are NO JOKE. Rodeo Zach says he shoulda gone to Turkey…

    <iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/V7RhOEJ__48?si=RUCE05dTOO-4ARbJ&#8221; title=”YouTube video player” frameborder=”0″ allow=”accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share” referrerpolicy=”strict-origin-when-cross-origin” allowfullscreen></iframe>

    Comedy funny hair transplant humor Music SNL turkey Zach Selwyn
  • LOS ANGELES, CA.

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    Zach Selwyn Debuts First Novel Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation
    Rogue Matter and Macmillan Press Launch New Literary Trilogy

    Rogue Matter, in partnership with Macmillan Press, proudly announces the March 24th release of Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation, the debut novel by writer/actor and musician Zach Selwyn. The book marks the first installment in the Stoner Chronicles trilogy, to be followed by Drop Dead Gorgeous in 2027 and Hudson River Martini in 2028.

    Set against the vibrant backdrop of Austin, Texas, Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation introduces readers to Selwyn’s sharply observed world—where art, excess, and humor collide. With a voice that is both irreverent and clever, Selwyn blends dark humor and emotional honesty, establishing a bold new presence in contemporary fiction. Famed Texas author/musician and personality Kinky Friedman wrote the foreword for the novel a couple of years before his untimely passing.

    “Kinky was an inspiration and a mentor in many ways,” Selwyn says. “The whole reason this book came about was because I was recording Kinky for a podcast down at his ranch and we started talking about writing – he encouraged me to finish the novel and keep creating.”

    The novel lays the groundwork for a trilogy of novels that move across cities, mysteries, and (often intoxicated) states of mind.

    “This book was one of those Covid projects written during the height of fear,” Selwyn says. “I was struck by how many people in Texas were defying the masks and vaccines – as compared to Los Angeles where we were all panicking and wiping down our groceries with Clorox.”

    Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation is available for pre-order now through Rogue Matter and Macmillan Press.

    For review copies, interviews, or additional information, please contact:
    Trent Olsen

    Trent.olsen@roguematter.com

    book-review book-reviews books fiction reading
  • Those pesky STANLEY QUENCHERS driving you mad? Making you broke? Zach wrote a song about it…

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  • The wait is almost over! Missi Pyle & Zach Selwyn are this week’s guests and we play “Fake or Florida” – here’s a preview! http://bit.ly/1LaN6u0

    Posted by Anna Faris is Unqualified on Monday, March 7, 2016

    Download the episode TOMORROW!!!

    Anna Faris Anna Faris is Unqualified funny Missi Pyle Mom Podcasts Sim Sarna Zach Selwyn
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  • Zach was a runner up for this legendary reality show and it changed the course of his career. 20 years ago! That hair! That jacket! HOLY FAAACK!
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Tag: Irvine IMprov

Come see Zach live at the Irvine Improv all Weekend with JOHN HENSON!

  • September 7, 2012
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Comedy Music News

Zach is joining Wipeout host/comedian JOHN HENSON all weekend at the Irvine Improv for 4 nights of insanely funny comedy. Also on the bill are the very funny HALLI BORGFJORD  http://halliborgfjord.com/

and ROB O’REILLY  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2688418/

September 6,7,8,9 -Irvine Improv with JOHN HENSON and FRIENDS (The TV HOSTS of Comedy!)

Please CLICK HERE  to buy tickets!!!!!

See Irvine Improv website for more information. 6 SHOWS!!!

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