Zach Selwyn

Actor. Musician. Host. Writer. Dinner Guest.

  • baseball Casey Stern Comedy Gary Sheffield hosting Jimmy Rollins MLB Pedro Martinez playoffls sports TBS
  • alloutsee below! Zach brings his worldwide knowledge of slang words to Sirius XM/ Shade 45’s hip-hop radio show “THE ALL OUT SHOW” once a month. Make sure to listen in and hear Zach and Jude play origin games and chop up the English language… on SHADE45 Sirius/XM

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    hip-hop radio show Sirius XM slang words worldwide knowledge Zach
  • https://www.hiiimag.com/articles/ooh-lala

    So…

    I just had the orgasm of the century. Remember that Mento in a Diet Coke two-liter experiment that exploded on the internet about 15 years ago? Well, no—it wasn’t like that. But it was intense, and one of those “starts three minutes before it ends” kind of orgasms…. And guess what? It wasn’t due to some steamy extramarital affair with some porn star from an XXX adult film called Stranger Thongs…. This was because of the potent cocktail of THC and aphrodisiac properties that are in certain modern cannabis products, mixed with a Livinia Sex Gummy, some terpene-forward flower, and a female pheromone arousal oil. I may have sprained an ankle.

    In the past few years, modern cannabis has refined multiple new products that can enhance one’s sexual libido and appetite to a point where the adjective “purple” can be used to visually describe an erection….

    Okay, let me start at the beginning… HIT LINK TO READ MORE!

    420 cannabis dispensary edibles funny humor Los Angeles Only Fans Sedaris sex sex toys writing Zach Selwyn
  • DISNEY XD 8:00 pm March 16!

    also starring the man – Zach Lavine… !!!

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    Jacob Bertrand photo bombing Zach And Zach #kirbybuckets

    Zach LaVine will guest star on Disney’s ‘Kirby Buckets’ this week

     

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  • We’ve all been to Costco and bought some DUMB shit. Zach wrote a song about it. Enjoy!

    Comedy Costco Costco song debt funny Kirkland Lewburger lonely Island money SNL Zach Selwyn Zachariah
  • 420 americana Americana Route 66 Byrds Colorado Cosmic Country Country linen desert Gene Clark Gram Joshua Tree Route 66 tucson Ukiah
  • Z36974ZACH joins RUDE JUDE and ROSS from BINARY STAR to talk hand jobs, proper towels for that time of the month and some secret slang!

     

    more here: http://foreallyshow.com/

    Biary Star Fo Really Show funny podcast Jude Ange jude angelinni rude jude Secret Slang Sirius XM Zach Selwyn
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  • *Warning – the following story contains sexually graphic and disgusting situations

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    My wife recently bought a $300 vibrator. It’s called a stingray. It pulsates. It’s waterproof. And it does everything but make sandwiches. My wife swears by it and they have a special relationship that extends beyond the bedroom. This throbbing beast has been brought up consistently at dinner conversations since she purchased it… I believe she even told her mother about it, as if she was introducing her to her new boyfriend.

    Women have been celebrating the vibrator for hundreds of years… It’s universally acceptable and widely acknowledged that most sexually healthy females have some sort of throbbing stunt penis hiding beneath a pile of T-shirts in their dresser drawers.

    However, if I came home one day with a $300 sex toy, it would be considered taboo. Men who do this sort of stuff have long been labeled as perverts and sexual deviants. And, men don’t really discuss masturbation details over wine and pasta at a group dinner.

    But why?

    Maybe men and sex toys do not go together because most men are seemingly easier to please. After all, all we need is a magazine, a free hand and some “me time.”

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    The famous Australian man caught “beating it” at work in 2013

    I have never used a sex toy on myself. I am not saying that I haven’t been intrigued by the molds of “Jenna Haze’s Pussy and Asshole” that I have seen for sale at an adult store, but shelling out hundreds of dollars for a rubber vagina has never been high on my priority list. Plus.” Real Dolls” are like, five grand. Plus, in humble my opinion, nothing could really beat the time-honored tradition of good old fashioned jerking-off.

    But then someone sent me a free “Fleshlight.”

    Holy shit.

    I had heard about the Fleshlight forever. It was an early podcast sponsor and was the rage of the Adult Video Awards when I covered them for a TV show back in 2007. But still, I had never tried one, and I wasn’t exactly running out to make a purchase without knowing that it would be worth it… Then again, it’s not exactly the type of thing you borrow from a buddy…

    Opening the box, I was amazed to find that there are like, 25 different types of Fleshlight models ranging from any body orafice to Jenna Haze to an actual weird blue ALIEN vagina that I assume is supposed to make you feel like you are fucking Neytiri, Zoe Saldana’s character from Avatar…

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    You can choose the between Jenna Haze model…

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    And the strange blue “Alien” option…

    You are able to choose from a bevy of porn star clitoral replicas and adjust the suction level by twisting the back of the casing. It came with lube (necessary to simulate female wetness) and a cleaning cloth. It also had extensive directions about how to “wash your sleeve of remaining fluids” once you were done with it. This was a no-nonsense operation.

    I settled in one day after work before my wife and kids had come home from baseball practice. I opened up my Fleshlight and examined it. This particular model was not a signature porn star version, it was a “Stamina Training Unit” – meaning it was supposed to help you train to maintain an erection longer should you ever have a real life sexual encounter… This was the “elliptical” of Fleshlights.

    My first touch of the thing was unsettling. I felt weird. Deviant. I was fondling with an artificial body part. You know those weird people you see on TV who dig up corpses and have sex with them? For a second I wondered if I had stooped to their level.

    Until I inserted myself.

    It had been 15 years since I had felt any sexual pleasure with anyone other than my wife. I’m not sure how, but I suddenly became engorged and remained rock hard for the next seven minutes of thrusting, adjusting my technique, rhythm and stroke to this Fleshlight as if I was trying to give it an orgasm. Throughout this blissful and pure rubber sexual adventure, I felt as giddy as a 15-year-old learning how to unhook a bra strap in high school. It was something new and exciting…

    As I approached climax, I was wondering if it was a customary rule to finish inside the device – or if the recommended method was to jizz onto any nearby available tube sock. While deciding to pull myself out from the sensual erotic vagina, I grabbed and looked at the manual… It did not offer any “jizz directions.”

    I found myself climaxing into the sleeve. I immediately doubled over onto my bed as if I was 17 again and in the back of my Dodge Lancer. I was feeling pretty satisfied.

    And that’s when the guilt settled in.

    I had a large device on my penis. I had just cum into it and I was immediately dreading the moment when my son or wife would walk in. I began wondering if I had somehow caught an STD from the Fleshlight. Worst of all, I had to eventually pull out… which was a feeling that was so hauntingly real, that it reminded me of all the dorm rooms I had left at two in the morning in college after drunken sex romps… In my mind, I felt like I had somehow cheated on my wife with a Pi Beta Phi sophomore.
    My friend Mark, who works in virtual reality calmed my fears when I called and told him that I was not feeling very good following the encounter.

    “Dude, I’ve gone through, like – six Fleshlights!,” he said. “I get one every year… I had the Jesse Jayne model last year, bruh, that shit was nice! You should change them every six months or so.”

    Woah, six Fleshlights? The Jesse Jayne model? Change them every six months? Obviously I was not living up to my masturbatory potential.

    “Wait til you see this virtual reality shit we’re coming out with in a few years,” Mark explained. “Dude, you’ll be able to fuck Jessica Biel on a beach while Justin Timberlake is tied up to a nearby palm tree, crying.”

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    Virtual Reality porn is about to change out lives…

    “Are you serious?” I responded.

    “Dude, sex is about to go so virtual, we’re gonna all turn into a world of jizz monkeys shooting 9 to 10 loads a day.”

    “Dude, in the future you’ll be able to fuck Jessica Biel on a beach while Justin Timberlake is tied up to a nearby palm tree, crying,” my friend Mark told me.

    I did some research. If Mark’s prediction, and the internet is correct, the world will enter the virtual porn sex space in the next few years. People will put on their devices and set up a “scene” where they can have sex with a digital female while they pleasure themselves physically. At first, the sex models will be outrageously priced and unaffordable, but eventually, both men and women will all be pounding away at any number of virtual lovers through the power of visual stimulation.

    That’s on some Westworld level shit right there.

    Feeling less guilty about my Fleshlight encounter, I read the manual about how to clean it out. I learned that Fleshlight makes a special soap that I would now have to buy if I wanted it to stay in pristine condition. I would also have to double up on my lubrication as the sample pack they included was quite small. And then there is the washing of it.  Running warm water through a fake vagina isn’t the most comforting part about using a Fleshlight, but it’s a necessary one if you want to keep it in good condition.

    It’s like cleaning your bar-be-cue after every use.

    When my wife got home, I shared my experience with her and she actually was proud of me. She told me that she thought men should be able to experience the heightened pleasure of something other than just your hand once in a while. Hearing this got me thinking…

    “Well, look,” I said. “Pretty soon there’s gonna be a virtual reality device where I can have sex with Jessica Biel on a beach, can I get that too?”

    “Sure, if I can get one where I bang DeAndre Jordan,” she responded.

    “Oh, uhmm, let me think about it,” I responded.

    I went upstairs and hid my Fleshlight beneath some t-shirts in my dresser…

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    DeAndre Jordan’s “O-Face.”

    Subscribe to Zach’s PODCAST! Missi and Zach Might Bang!

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WHERE’S ZACH ON TOUR!?

2026 LIVE DATES

ZACHARIAH and THE LOBOS RIDERS are on tour in 2026!

May 8-10, 2026 BRING ON THE BORDER TOUR – SAN CARLOS, MEXICO MAY 8-10!

ALL NASHVILLE ROADSHOW – SEASON 2!

Dates TBA

RED TRUCK BEER FESTIVAL! VANCOUVER CANADA

August 15, 2026

MAIN STAGE 4:00 p.m.

JULY 22, 2026 – The ESCONDITE, Los Angeles CA. 9:00 p.m. – Lineup TBA

PAST GIGS!

STONER CHRONICLES: BOOK ONE – AUSTIN TRANSLATION LAUNCH PARTY with Phill Brush and Phriends covering Kinky Friedman classics and Aaron Beavers!

February 6 2026 – HOTEL CAFE with COBY BROWN

MARCH 7, 2026 – 10pm -(with Coby Brown)

MARCH – Tucson, Arizona TBD

MARCH – Palm Springs, CA – TBS

Zachariah SOLO wioth SPECIAL GUESTS – HOTEL CAFE 1623 N. Cahuenga

March 27 –ALL NASHVILLE ROADSHOW – Huntersville, NC

Veterans Park

ORDER TICKETS

March 28 – ALL NASHVILLE ROADSHOW – Holly Springs, NC

Sugg Farm

ORDER TICKETS

2025 LIVE DATES

www.allnashvilleroadshow.com

March – Private Gig Sun Valley Idaho…

April 4 – Madison Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 5 – Trilith (Fayetteville) Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 11 – Hiyawasee, Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 12 – Dahlonega, Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

June 7 – Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, California – Darren Capozzi Night!

June 26 – POSTPONED

June 27 – The Troubadour – West Hollywood CA. With Louden Swain – 7:30pm

July 11 – All Nashville Roadshow – Colledgedale, Tennessee – THE COMMONS

Thursday, November 20 – La Paloma Golf Club Tucson, Arizona – PRIVATE EVENT

November TUCSON – TBD

2025 LIVE DATES

www.allnashvilleroadshow.com

March – Private Gig Sun Valley Idaho…

April 4 – Madison Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 5 – Trilith (Fayetteville) Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 11 – Hiyawasee, Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

April 12 – Dahlonega, Georgia – All Nashville Roadshow

June 7 – Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, California – Darren Capozzi Night!

June 26 – POSTPONED

June 27 – The Troubadour – West Hollywood CA. With Louden Swain – 7:30pm

July 11 – All Nashville Roadshow – Colledgedale, Tennessee – THE COMMONS

Friday October 24, 2025 – LAST CALL BAR SEATTLE WASHINGTON – 8pm

November 20, 2025 – Tucson, Arizona – La Paloma Resort – Private Event

March 2026- Napa Valley California – Culinary Institute

2024

FEBRUARY 3rd – THE MANGY MOOSE. Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Private Event. 6:00 p.m.

FEBRUARY 29th – THE BOURBON ROOM LOUNGE – Hollywood and Ivar 8:00-10:00p.m.

OCTOBER –  The Bourbon Room – Date and time TBD

November 23 – La Paloma Golf Course Tucson, Arizona PRIVATE EVENT

March 2025 – Sun Valley Idaho – Date and Location TBD!

MARCH 21 – THE BOURBON ROOM LOUNGE – Hollywood and Ivar 8:00-10:00p.m.

“HIGHWAYS and DANCEHALLS” TOUR

MAY 23 – THE MANGY MOOSE. Jackson Hole, Wyoming. 7:00 p.m.

Benefitting the Jackson Hole Nurse’s Fund & We Are Limitless 7:00 p.m.

MAY 24 – THE MANGY MOOSE. Jackson Hole, Wyoming

June 5 – To be Announced

June Dates – Paris, France! Location TBD

August Dates Hotel Cafe. Los Angeles, CA.  – To be Announced

PAST GIG POSTERS…

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Jan 8, 2020 – HIGHLAND PARK BOWL see flier below…

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Zguitar Fest

BOOK ZACH in your LIVING ROOM or BACKYARD! He comes with guitar. Sings whatever you like. Freestyles about your friends and family… And walks your dog! Serious inquiries ONLY: z@zachariahmusic.com

 

PAST GIGS!

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Pappy May 18

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-2power-houseZanie's Show in Nashville with Billy Wayne Davis

J LaLonde, Billy Wayne Davis and me in Knoxville!

 
 
 
 

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