Zach Selwyn

Actor. Musician. Host. Writer. Dinner Guest.

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  • https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/album=2515935575/size=large/bgcol=ffffff/linkcol=0687f5/tracklist=false/tran

    Eminem freestyle G LOVE LIVE Lobos Riders Outlaw Country rap Zachariah
  • August Ames AVN Awards Brazzers Comedy funny Jessa Rhodes Peter North porn stars Pornhub SNL xxx Youporn Zach Selwyn
  • 420 Comedy high times hiii humor Ian Powell Legacy Cannabis marijuana Mendocino Mendocino Grasslands Ukiah weed writer Yokayo Ranch Zach Selwyn
  • DISNEY XD 8:00 pm March 16!

    also starring the man – Zach Lavine… !!!

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    Jacob Bertrand photo bombing Zach And Zach #kirbybuckets

    Zach LaVine will guest star on Disney’s ‘Kirby Buckets’ this week

     

    acting Disney XD dunk contest funny NBA Zach lavine Zach Selwyn
  • After a long night on the sauce, dont take your 2 kids to the Magic Kingdom. Hear Zach spin his tale about a fateful hungover day a the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

    Download song here – https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/hungover-at-disneyland/id952764244?i=952764250

     

  • LOS ANGELES, CA.

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    Zach Selwyn Debuts First Novel Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation
    Rogue Matter and Macmillan Press Launch New Literary Trilogy

    Rogue Matter, in partnership with Macmillan Press, proudly announces the March 24th release of Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation, the debut novel by writer/actor and musician Zach Selwyn. The book marks the first installment in the Stoner Chronicles trilogy, to be followed by Drop Dead Gorgeous in 2027 and Hudson River Martini in 2028.

    Set against the vibrant backdrop of Austin, Texas, Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation introduces readers to Selwyn’s sharply observed world—where art, excess, and humor collide. With a voice that is both irreverent and clever, Selwyn blends dark humor and emotional honesty, establishing a bold new presence in contemporary fiction. Famed Texas author/musician and personality Kinky Friedman wrote the foreword for the novel a couple of years before his untimely passing.

    “Kinky was an inspiration and a mentor in many ways,” Selwyn says. “The whole reason this book came about was because I was recording Kinky for a podcast down at his ranch and we started talking about writing – he encouraged me to finish the novel and keep creating.”

    The novel lays the groundwork for a trilogy of novels that move across cities, mysteries, and (often intoxicated) states of mind.

    “This book was one of those Covid projects written during the height of fear,” Selwyn says. “I was struck by how many people in Texas were defying the masks and vaccines – as compared to Los Angeles where we were all panicking and wiping down our groceries with Clorox.”

    Stoner Chronicles: Austin Translation is available for pre-order now through Rogue Matter and Macmillan Press.

    For review copies, interviews, or additional information, please contact:
    Trent Olsen

    Trent.olsen@roguematter.com

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  • https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrylinen/make-it-happen-country-linen-zachariahs-new-album/widget/video.html

    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrylinen/make-it-happen-country-linen-zachariahs-new-album/widget/card.html?v=2

    country rock kickstarter Outlaw Country Warren Zevon Wilco. Zach Selwyn Zachariah Zachariah and the Lobos Riders
  • By Zach Selwyn

    I can vividly picture the scene taking place on a Newark, New Jersey street corner in 1922… Prohibition is hanging heavily over every boarded up bar and single family household on the block. The streets are full of the penniless, making bedding out of old jackets on the grey and crunchy dirty sidewalk snow. Children are wrapping up nightly stick ball games to return home for dinner as the streets darken with denizens of the nightlife and small time hoods…

    And then suddenly, out of the darkness, trotting up in a horse-drawn buggy, appears Rabbi Levi Zalman, who is suddenly swarmed by scores of men from these homes looking to procure the finest bottle of bootleg wine they can get their hands on. Money is exchanged, prayers are said and the men race home to their families. With every sale, Rabbi Zalman mutters, “Baruch Hashem.” (Blessed be the name of the lord). When it’s all over, Rabbi Zalman rides away a very rich man…

    Of course, Rabbi Levi Zalman is not a Rabbi at all. In fact, he is Jack Joseph Brauer, an out-of-work shoe peddler from East Jersey City who has just unloaded his Government-relegated weekly supply of booze for a shade over $5,000.

    He is also my great-great grandfather. This was his “congregation.”

    Ratified in 1920, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution – which is America’s only Amendment to later be repealed – federally prohibited the manufacture, transportation and sale of alcohol. Of course, this was one of our biggest failures in our short history, and led to the golden age of organized crime, corruption and sheer madness across the country.

    Doing some research (And I am not the first to report this – just giving you some background) Jewish households were allowed a certain amount of wine per household per year. To top that off, if you were a Rabbi, and you lead any type of “congregation” (12 members or more) you were allowed to get as much wine as you wanted for religious purposes at any time you desired… So guess what happened? A lot of “new Rabbis” suddenly started showed up.

    “There were fake Rabbis everywhere,” my grandmother told me years ago before she died. “If you knew 12 people, that was a congregation… why do you think so many people started converting to Judaism during the 20’s? FOR BOOZE.”

    So, when Jack Brauer’s shoe business got hit with hard times in the early 1920’s, he bought some religious robes, sported a fake beard and marched up to the proper Governmental distribution center and bought as much alcohol as he needed… He flipped it in two days and kicked off a successful six-year-run as the biggest “Rabbi Bootlegger” in Newark, New Jersey.

    A few years later, when the American Jewish Committee began cracking down on the large number of fake Rabbi’s, my great-great grandfather Jack was NOT on the suspected fraud list. In fact, he continued to support his family until 1931, just before the Amendment was repealed. How? He had the third largest congregation in New Jersey at the time. (Even though it was 95 percent FAKE.)

    Now, according to the three part documentary Prohibition by Ken Burns, other religions had these loopholes as well. In fact, Priests were ALSO able to purchase liquor for religious ceremonies. Of course, the government could actually reference records to determine if someone claiming to be a Priest actually was a Priest. But Rabbis? There was NO WAY OF TELLING WHO WAS A RABBI.

    RfW_3000x2
    Starting to see why I’m obsessed with this stuff…

    According to writer Daniel Okrent, “Rabbis were suddenly showing up everywhere. Irish Rabbis, Black Rabbis…” Nobody ever doubted their religious claims.

    As is turns out, my grandmother was correct. In the 1920’s, Jewish congregations increased in membership by like, 75 percent. In short? BOOTLEG LIQUOR BUILT MODERN DAY JUDAISM. In fact, I don’t think you can reference a time in history when more NEW Jews suddenly showed up out of the woodwork to embrace Judaism in our nation’s history. No wonder we say prayers over the wine…

    A few years ago, my grandmother Florence passed away. Readers of my stories should be familiar with our adventures together in her later years, which included a trip to the Ace Hotel, smoking medical marijuana and leafing through her old photo albums so she could announce who was presently, “Dead.” When she passed, it was a sad moment, and a week later, our family went through her home to get rid of old useless items…(My grandfather’s 5000 VHS tapes of classic movies) and save valuable ones… (My grandma had always claimed that she had hidden “thousands of dollars in cash” all over the house and that it was our job to find it when she died.)

    Of course, knowing this, we tore open her home like Jesse Pinkman looking for hidden cash in that drug dealer’s condo in the film El Camino…

    My mom and I found some money, but the “thousands of dollars” my grandma promised turned out to be something more like 220 bucks. We also uncovered a lot of jewelry and a stamp collection valued at about $39. So, if you’re the new couple that bought the place? If you ever find some ungodly wad of $100 dollar bills in a crawl space, hit me up…

    Aside for a few of my grandma’s stray Vicodin, which I squirreled away in a jacket pocket, the only other item in the home that really intrigued me was my grandmother’s birth certificate. On it was listed her parent’s names and occupations – (Ruth Brauer-Kaplan – housewife. Jacob Kaplan- Dentist) – as well as her GRANDPARENT’s names and occupations… What intrigued me was the job description as reported to the state of New Jersey by JACK JOSEPH BRAUER –

    His job: RABBI.

    “Wow so Grandma’s story was true?” I asked my Uncle Steve who was helping my mom go through Florence’s old belongings.

    “Yes indeed,” he answered.

    “So was he really a Rabbi?” I asked.

    “Do you know what a ‘Rabbi’ was back then?”

    “I’m guessing a bootlegger?”

    “It’s great getting to know your family, isn’t it?”

    I went into the kitchen and poured myself a large glass of wine. I toasted my grandma on her final journey and raised my glass up to Jack Joseph Brauer – my great-great grandfather who kept so many families buzzed during the dark years of Prohibition…

    “Baruch Hashem,” I said.

    STREAM ZACH’S NEW SONG “Red Fuckin Wine” NOW!

    Bar Mitzvah Bootlegger Comedy funny hebrew humor Jewish liquor Prohibition Rabbi Wine Zach Selwyn
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Posts By zachselwyn

Watch Zach in new 2 Scarves video “Dont Tell ‘Em” by Jeremih!

  • October 14, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Comedy · Comedy Music News · Homepage · Sketch Comedy

Watch Waylon Nimoy and Cash Shatner aka 2 Scarves – and their new video for “Dont Tell ‘Em” by Jeremih – done for Playboy.com!!!

CLICK HERE!!!

2 scarves

<script height=”495px” width=”880px” src=”http://player.ooyala.com/iframe.js#ec=g5aTN5cDoiBa2oWBR5UyyINKgJXT0kCt&pbid=3fb9ae8bc2074ccb9b530f384f74a6f5″></script&gt;

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Why I Hate You and Your Kids

  • October 7, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Homepage · The Writer

dallas-family-dentistry     Last week at the local park where I take my children, a 4-year-old boy named Falcon took a dump behind a tree and his mother brushed pine needles over it. She looked around conspicuously before grabbing Falcon by the arm and hightailing it out of the park, into her Lexus SUV. I was one of the few parents who noticed the despicable act and chose to not make a stink – so too speak – about the incident until Falcon and his mom were long out of earshot. “Did anybody else just see that?” I prodded. At first, I sort of sided with Falcon’s mom, knowing that if it had been my kid, I probably would have done the exact same thing. I just would have been more stealth about it – pretending to pick it up the way I used to do with my old dog whenever a passing car saw him take a crap on a neighbor’s lawn. After awhile though, when the stench wafted down towards the playground, I decided the act was too heinous to ignore. “That Eagle… or Hawk kid – what’s his name? Took a crap behind the tree and his mom covered it up… That’s why it smells down here,” I informed the moms and nannies texting and pretending to chase their kids around the playground. ‘Nina Carlotto?” One mom responded. “Falcon’s mom? No way, she would never do that.” “Well, Nina Carlotto did,” I said. “We can take a DNA sample if you want – run a few tests and ban her from the park forever.” Nobody laughed. My friend Charlie, one of the rare cool parents that I hang with at the park, once joked that, “The worst thing about being a parent… are other parents.” He couldn’t be more correct. Especially in Los Angeles, where every single mom and dad believes their child is the next Einstein, Chopin, Chagall, thoracic surgeon, David Beckham, Gabby Douglass or Kobe Bryant. In reality, most of these kids – mine included – will most likely drink their way through college and find themselves pining over a crappy screenplay that they will never sell wondering why they never went to medical school. This is why I hate most of the parents I have met in Los Angeles.

soccer-mom-soccer-mom-football-sexy-european-demotivational-posters-1304941538
Most soccer moms do not look like this.

There is so much pressure put upon a kid these days to be the best at everything that they never get a chance to discover what they truly love. Most kids are in piano, ballet, YMCA sports and Rapa Nui as a Second Language courses by the time they are in kindergarten. I know a kid who is a 9-year-old real estate agent. These kids are not having normal childhoods. 30 years ago or so, I was actually one of those kids. Spanish, piano, soccer, cooking, formal dance, Hebrew School… you name it, I hit it all. I also found a unique way to hate it all, and thus became a depressed asshole – albeit a well-rounded one – for most of my childhood. My wife and I have lethargically done our best to expose our oldest son to these types of things. He has taken a small shine to baseball, although I really thought Jai-Alai was his best sport. He has some interest in drums, which is encouraging for my father who took up drumming at age 65, but I really don’t think he’s going to stick with it past lesson nine. Which in a way doesn’t bother me. Especially when a musician buddy of mine, when finding out my son was taking drums, remarked, “Congratulations, you’ll be paying his rent until he’s 39-years-old.” My son has also expressed some interest in Kung Fu, but doesn’t like the “repetition of it all.” Of course, this is quite possibly the most important aspect of training in Kung Fu. So, I basically encourage him to follow his true interests and passions. He’s only eight for crying out loud, but I remember stating at the same age that I wanted to be a sports broadcaster. My mom has records of hundreds of football stories I wrote at that time, full of imagined rosters and fake statistics. I was obsessed with the NFL and its massively talented athletes, and begged my mom to take me to a broadcasting class for kids. (They didn’t exist in 1982. They do now…) Amazingly, I got my first TV break in sports broadcasting and I am still writing to this day, so my technique is to encourage my son to follow his passions and find a way to get better at them. Of course, right now all he seems to care about is my iPad that he has turned into his virtual arcade, an online social game called Club Penguin and any TV show that features a ninja as a lead character. His early life’s goal? To be a video game designer. I love it. One parent called my son’s interests detrimental to his mental growth. I argued that someday he is going to design the next Grand Theft Auto game and make 800 million dollars. We’ll see who is right. For now, I’ll let that negative bitch take her son to his fencing class while my kid beats level 49 on Call of Duty: IV.

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My son. Gaming.

            So the park moms began whispering under their breath about my discussion of the fecal matter behind the tree. I witnessed Rachel and Kelly, two horrible gym rat 40-somethings scurry their kids away from mine as a way to subtly insult me. Another sour-faced hag named April, who had two separate nannies and is married to a very successful TV producer stared me down with her miserable scowl. Finally, Lupita and Carmen, the nannies for two girls both named Sawyer, seemed to curse at me in Spanish. I yelled at my son that it was time to go. Normally, park parents thankfully come and go from your life in a few short years, but for some reason, I have not been able to shake Nina Carlotto. The woman is everywhere. At pre-school meetings, jog-a-thons…. I ran into her trick-or-treating. She works out at my YMCA. She even shows up on the few commercial auditions I get a year. She is a shadow and a cancer at the same time. Especially now that somebody must have told her how I called her out about her actions at the park that afternoon. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but you didn’t see what you think you did,” she rambled at me one afternoon as we waited in a room to audition as a married couple for a Honda Odyssey commercial. “I don’t know what you heard you heard, but what you heard was not what you think you heard,” I responded. She scoffed, upset that I would retort to her incessant ramblings in such a manner. Minutes later, we went into the audition room together where we were forced to act like we loved each other and our new Honda Odyssey as we ogled at our kids in the back seat. “Perfect!” The casting director said. We graciously joked with the advertising clients before leaving the room, happy that we nailed the audition, but muttering tiny insults beneath our breaths. “Nice realism,” I offered. “Dick,” I heard her whisper. I didn’t get a callback. Why I was being chastised for Nina’s obvious fecal flee was somewhat understood. I knew that a lot of parents resented my three month-a-year work schedule that I had recently been living, but in reality it wasn’t because I had a year where I was somehow lucky enough to make salary in 90 days, it was because I was actually one L.A. father who got to spend a lot of time with his children. Most of these women were married to much older – and much busier- men. Millionaire studio executives, assistant directors who disappeared across the country for six-month film shoots and lawyers who barely saw their kids in the evening and then split for the golf course the minute the weekend arrived. I was the park dad who was always around. The dad who went to every baseball game. The dad who liked volunteering at school. The dad who started drinking wine at bath time and had nowhere to be but the gym the next morning. The dad every single one of these parents wished their kids had. It especially killed them when we went to the park, and all their kids wanted to play “Tackle Zach” rather than watch their mom post Instagram pictures of the $9.00 green smoothies they had just purchased at the neighborhood gourmet juicer.

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How most of my friends raise their kids

I invited my friend Charlie over for beers one night and we began writing an entire TV series about the parents at the park. Enough ground has been covered about the gluten-free crackers and the parents who won’t let their kids watch anything but educational television, so we took it another way. Believing we had the next great sitcom, we decided to shoot a few snippets ourselves and present them to networks. (The three-episode web-series, Parktime, reeled in an anemic 1500 internet views on YouTube when posted, but still holds up.)

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Me, Bil Dwyer and Billy Asher in “Parktime”

I’m not saying that every parent in Los Angeles is a soulless cockroach. In fact, I have many friends who I love hanging with and talking with who are as laid back as my wife and I are with their parenting. It’s just that at some point in your life, you begin choosing friends out of convenience. This town is so spread out, that childhood friends do not attend the same schools. As a child in 1980’s America, every neighborhood kid went to the same school, played on the same sports teams for a decade and rode bikes to each other’s houses at 9:00 at night. Nowadays, my eight-year-old has no interest in even learning how to ride a bike and his five best friends attend FIVE different elementary schools. It’s nearly impossible to develop lifelong friendships in this town, and I’m sure I’m not making it any easier by bickering with Nina Carlotto about her lack of public health and safety hazards. So, you hang with other parents out of suitability. Are you neighbors? Are your kids in the same class? Do you play on the same soccer team? These requirements are all it takes these days to establish a falsified friendship with another parent. “Your kids are 8 and 4 too? Oh my GOD, we have to have you over for bone broth soup and wine this weekend.” It’s a far cry from, say Flatbush Avenue back in the 60’s when you had to stab a kid from a rival neighborhood to prove to your buddies that you were “friend material.”

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How my kids see me at bath time

So we saunter on and drop the kids in the carpool lane and meet up for wine and soup and just hope that our kids are making deep connections with their new friends. Occasionally someone throws a party and we all call Uber to drive us home by 11:00 and we struggle in the morning to make decent coffee and go to the gym. At times I feel like Kenny Powers in Eastbound and Down season four when he domesticates and has children, but when I look at the sad faces of the 20-somethings trolling the bars of my youth looking for what I currently have, I remember I’m in a much better place. No matter how much I can’t stand talking with the Ressler’s about their Grecian vacation plans the upcoming summer – when daddy can FINALLY spend some time with his kids on a yacht– I do it, realizing that my parents had the same conversations with their friends back in the 80’s. I am just very grateful to have the time I have to be the father I am… and if that pisses Nina Carlotto off? I don’t give a DAMN… Especially since she let her kid drop a phantom deuce at the park and continues to deny it to this day. By the way, I saw the Honda commercial that we auditioned for on TV last night and was suddenly pained with the horrifying image of her face in the Odyssey passenger seat… Somehow she got cast as the loving mother. Bitch.                

BUY ZACH'S BOOK at AMAZON.COM!
BUY ZACH’S BOOK at AMAZON.COM!

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Watch new Video “Ghosts in This Guitar”

  • September 13, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Hero · Homepage · Music · Zachariah & The Lobos Riders

Zachariah & the Lobos Riders

“Ghosts in This Guitar”

Skywriting (c) 2014 Papago Records

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LISTEN: Zach’s new song “It’s Week 1 in the NFL & my Fantasy Team SUCKS!”

  • September 9, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Comedy · Comedy MP3's · Homepage

aaron-rodgers-story https://zachselwyn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/nfl-fantasy-song.mp3

One week down. and Jamal Charles, Aaron Rodgers, Tony Romo, Wes Welker and many other NFL stand-outs have destroyed Zach’s chance at any Fantasy Glory. Hear him sing all about it above.

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See video for “High Desert” – and download the NEW RECORD “Skywriting” !!!

  • August 19, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Hero · Homepage · Music · Zachariah & The Lobos Riders

New album available TODAY! CLick and download – ! Enjoy!!!

Skywriting

 

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Download new Zachariah & the Lobos Riders album “Skywriting” NOW! Watch new VIDEO!

  • August 19, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Uncategorized

DOWNLOAD NEW ALBUM HERE HERE HERE HERE!

Our finest work to date… 11 songs. 2 bonus tracks. “Skywriting” by Zachariah & the Lobos Riders… {Please enjoy responsibly}

Skywriting

Watch the video for new song “HIGH DESERT” – Thank you!

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Skywriting Record Release!

  • August 18, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Zachariah & The Lobos Riders

Z-Poster

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Comedy MP3’s

  • August 6, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Comedy MP3's

Vegan Zombie Vegan Zombie

Wonderin if Todd Snider Even Knows My Name

Hungover Dads

Hunger Games Hunger Games

LA Ski Hat Weather https://zachselwyn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/l-a-ski-hat-weather.mp3

 

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See Zach in “Coldwater” – Released in select theaters this month!

  • August 6, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Film/TV · Homepage · Television · TV Shows

Zach recently shot a role as “Dr. Schulman” in the TV series “Tales From The Toilet” alongside “Mike and Molly” actor RENO WILSON and Miranda Bailey. Look for it soon!

images

Zach has a nice role as “Sheriff Cross” opposite rising star PJ Boudousque in the feature film “Coldwater”

Coldwater-220x

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Enjoy “The Web MD Song” by Zach Selwyn

  • August 5, 2014
  • by zachselwyn
  • · Comedy Music News · Sketch Comedy
Album Artwork
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Tracks

 ZACH SELWYN * THE WEB MD SONG – Available for download Late 2014!

https://zachselwyn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/web-md-song.mp3

getty_rf_photo_of_man_sitting_on_bed_concerned

 

“Web MD will make you feel dead indeed – and soon your head will be spinning…

You’re not gonna die from that twitchin’ in your eye, my advice?

Get a second opinion…” 

ORDER ZACH’S COMEDY MUSIC HERE!!!

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