Tag: humor

Watch “The Worst Ideas in Mafia History” starring John Walsh

January 3, 2014
by zachselwyn
· Comedy · Sketch Comedy

We lost a terrific man this week. Here he is saying more with no dialogue than most actors can say with Shakesperean prose. – RIP to John Walsh… aka “Jimmy the Taint.” (Originally aired on G4 “Attack of the Show” in 2007)

Watch Zach’s JFCS Man on the Street in Phoenix, Arizona!

November 25, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Television · TV Shows

Zach went to Phoenix, Arizona to talk with some people about the Arizona Tax Credit… Check it out!

Hang w/ Zach/Dan Cortese in Times Square NOV.6th! Break a Guinness World Record!

October 31, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Television · TV Shows

truTV is Giving New Yorkers the Chance to Break Records in Times Square 11/6

truTV & GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS to give new yorkers chance to break records at the Guinness World Records(R) Unleashed arena in Times Square. Dan Cortese, Zach Selwyn, Mark McGrath and More Slated to Appear at Nov. 6 Event, one day Before truTV Launches New Episodes of Guinness World Records Unleashed

truTV and GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS are giving New Yorkers an opportunity to set some new world records in the Guinness World Records(R) Unleashed Arena. Located in Times Square (46th/47th and Broadway), the Arena will be open 2-9 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, the day before truTV’s hit series Guinness World Records Unleashed returns with brand new episodes.

Guinness World Records Unleashed host Dan Cortese will be on-hand for the fun, along with comedian Zach Selwyn and GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS’ Liz Smith, who provide commentary in the series. In addition, severAl GuinNESS WORLD RECORD adjudicators – including Guinness World Records Unleashed adjudicator Stuart Claxton – will be present to ensure official recognition of any records broken during the day.

Guinness World Records(R) Unleashed – New episodes begin Thursday, Nov. 7, at 8 p.m. (ET/PT)

During the event, world-renowned sculptor Andy Gertler – who has mastered a range of media, including pumpkin carving, sand sculptures and ice sculptures – will attempt to set a brand new Guinness World Record. Using nearly 15,000 marshmallows he will attempt to build the world’s largest marshmallow mosaic, expected to be more than 86 square feet in size once completed. In addition, there will be a demonstration by speed-reader and viral video personality Trisha Paytas, who will attempt to break the record for Being the world’s fastest talker in the season premiere of Guinness World Records Unleashed.

Also slated to appear at the Guinness World Records Unleashed Arena will be Mark McGrath, host of truTV’s Killer Karaoke; Q, Murr, Joe & Sal, the stars of truTV favorite Impractical Jokers; Les, Seth & Ashley of truTV’s hit series Hardcore Pawn; and Ron & Amy Shirley and Bobby Brantley from the popular Lizard Lick Towing.

Visitors to the Guinness World Records Unleashed Arena will have the chance to break The Following records:

– Most seated free throws in one minute (Current record: 20)

– Fastest 20-meter butt scoot (Current record: 22.03 seconds)

– Fastest time for a team of two people to make a single bed (Current record: 14 seconds)

– Fastest time to build a 20-shotglass pyramid (Current record: 6.44 seconds)

Fans wishing to participate in the buzz surrounding the Guinness World Records Unleashed Arena are encouraged to use the official event hashtag: #GWRUArena.

For more information go to: http://truTV.com/Arena

Determined record chasers are gearing up to wow viewers and secure a place in the record books when truTV’s hit series Guinness World Records(R) Unleashed returns with all new episodes. Hosted by Dan Cortese, the series features daring and fearless record hopefuls as they attempt to secure their place in history by breaking some truly outrageous world records. Guinness World Records Unleashed premiered on truTV in February, averaging more than 1.3 million viewers and ranking as one of ad-supported cable’s Top 3 programs in its timeslot with key demos. The series is produced for truTV by High Noon Entertainment (Tough Love, Cake Boss, Hurricane Hunters), with High Noon Entertainment’s Jim Berger, Burt Kearns and Fred Birckhead serving as executive producers with Guinness World Records’ Rob Molloy.

Watch Zach’s new episode of THE REPORTIST! Episode 2: Grafitti

September 16, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Comedy · Sketch Comedy

Brave TV reporter ZACH SELWYN goes to the extremes to bring you the most mundane news you will ever see.

Got an episode idea? TWEET IT to The Reportist @zachselwyn

Zach to read new short story at “Afterbirth” show this Saturday!

August 20, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Short Story · The Writer

Saturday, August 24th

featuring

Moon Zappa
Christian Duguay

Zach Selwyn
Fielding Edlow
& Lew Schneider

MBar
1253 N Vine St., Hollywood, CA
doors open at 7, show starts at 8

$!5 w/reservation 323-856-0036, $20 at the door

all shows produced and hosted by Dani Klein Modisett

Zach will be reading his unpublished short story “Stuck…”

Read Zach’s new Short Story “All My Wife’s Famous Exes”

July 22, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Short Story · The Writer

Hollywood is a notoriously tough town. About 99 percent of the people who arrive here daily to become television or movie stars end up scrambling to make ends meet, strung out on drugs or alcohol or waiting tables at some awful Middle Eastern restaurant buried deep in the San Fernando Valley. In my 15 years here, I have seen a fair amount of contemporaries pull in with glossy head shots, star-crossed eyes and dreams of red carpet idolatry, only to return to their parent’s houses as quickly as six months into their silver screen adventures. Most men or women barely scratch the surface in this town. Some might land a commercial or two or even become a member of somebody’s entourage, but the majority of these illusionary dreamers end up as footnotes to the lucky ones… Cast-aways who are quickly replaced – and rarely remembered. If they’re lucky, they might meet one or two people in five years who have found success. To tell you the truth, however… even that is a stretch.

hollywoodsign1978 — For most starry-eyed dreamers, Hollywood ends up like this

Yet somehow, for reasons unknown, three of my wife’s ex-boyfriends – who she briefly dated prior to our relationship – happen to be incredibly famous and successful superstar film and TV stars.

I am not at liberty to mention them by name, but let’s just say that you have seen them on screen. You have possibly bought an Entertainment Magazine because they were on the cover. If you’re a woman, you may have imagined one or two of them in your mind while being intimate with your boyfriend or husband. You have fainted while meeting them at San Diego Comic Con… Two of them have even been on lunch boxes. I’m talking huge f-ing stars.

Now, according to my wife, before she met these three guys, they were simply struggling actors, living on Top Ramen and tips for bartending and waiting tables at places like the now vanished Italian restaurant “Pane E Vino.” Once she broke up with them, however, their careers took off and they now all own multiple homes and squire fabulous starlets around the covers of In Touch and Us Magazines.

As my wife would say, she has the “golden vagina.”

In the 12 years we have been together, I have certainly seen my television career take off – being lucky enough to host a bunch of shows and land a few acting jobs, and I am grateful and appreciative for any work I’ve received. Yet, as a competitive man, I am very aware that I am still miles away from the careers of the three aforementioned actors whom previously shared my wife’s bed.

Which makes me think that the only way my dreams of becoming a successful film and TV actor will come true, is if my wife divorces me.

I jokingly posted this thought on Twitter a few months back and received a huge amount of response from thousands of followers trying to figure out who these actors were. Guesses ranged from Bradley Cooper to the Rza – but I would not reveal their names to anybody. In defense of my wife, she was never a slut… In fact, she once turned down a sexual advance from a very drugged-out Chris Farley after he flew her and a friend on a private jet to Hawaii after a night of partying in Hollywood. (She gave me Chris’ XXXL green shirt a few years back – which still hangs in my closet today).

Other Twitter followers suggested the usual Hollywood cocksmen – David Spade, Jeremy Piven… Charlie Sheen et al. Thing is, those guys were already stars before my wife even moved to LA. No. Her celebrity cache was founded on the strength of her sense of humor, encouragement and her all out sexual power.

When I “hung up my boner” at age 26, after meeting my wife, Wendy, I had but one celebrity conquest on my “sex resume.” (Not including ex-Playmates and flash-in-the-pan actresses). She was an actress named Danielle Fishel – who played the girl “Topanga” on Boy Meets World and at the time she was 19-years-old and I was 22. She also happened to be dating ‘NSYNC now-out-of-the-closet star Lance Bass just before me, so when we hooked up one night at a celebrity-filled bar called “Dublin’s” on Sunset Boulevard (Now also torn down), I thought I had scored an A-List hottie. (For the record, we never had sex – just made out in a bar and in my driveway for three hours).

Bottom line? Not exactly Motley Crue kind of sex-capades. In fact, when I ran into Danielle seven years later when she was hosting a show on Style Network called The Dish, she had no idea who I was.

danielle-fishel-maxim — Topanga from “Boy Meets World” ended up on Maxim Magazine this year.

At the same time, Wendy was living it up in private jets, drinking with Keith Richards at the Whiskey Bar at the Sunset Plaza, being flown to New York by record executives (Remember them?) and living an all-around fabulously privileged life for a hot woman in her late 20’s. I was still traveling to Puerto Vallarta with my family over Christmas for snorkeling adventures… Advantage: Wife.

How I ended up with Wendy is another story, but the fact is, we’re perfect soul mates. I could not be luckier. And nobody has told me this more than the three famous exes she at one-time dated…

I have now met them all.

Roughly three years ago I was in an electronics store when I ran into undoubtedly the most famous of these exes. He is a star on a very popular TV show now in it’s 9^th season or something. He is cool and handsome and built and talented and I wondered why my wife would ever decide that they weren’t right for each other. I approached him as he perused a $7500 outdoor flat screen and weatherproof speaker system and told the salesman it was for his, “Homies to watch the Lakers game” that evening.

“Hey, bro,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow and gave me the once over – not unlike his character does to criminals on his TV show.

“Just wanted to say hi – I’m a fan… I’m Zach – I married Wendy Thompson…”

His face lit up. He waved away the salesman and high-fived me. He smiled and said, “Dude! How’d you ever pin her down?”

Relieved, I laughed it off.

“I dunno, man… we just clicked!”

“Dude, I tried so hard to make her like, my serious girlfriend and she just never went for it… you must be a STUD.”

I laughed and tore off a fingernail, nervously. I should have asked him for a guest-starring role on his show right there. Instead I over-stayed my welcome by hanging around and watching him buy electronic equipment that cost the same as the credit card debt I had recently wracked up re-piping the copper sewer tubes beneath my front lawn

Finally, after realizing how much of a tool I was being, I turned around and walked away. He called after me.

“Yo, broseph – tell Wendy I said ‘hi,’” he said.

“I will man,” I responded giddily. “Keep on keeping on!”

As I drove home, dreaming of a career like his, and the ability to walk into an over-priced electronics store and plunk down seven G’s so I could watch sports outside of my living room, I thought about how lame it had been that he had called me “Broseph.” TV star or not, the dude was not as impressive as I had once thought…I mean, “Broseph?” Come on.

Although I had wished he had invited me to watch that Lakers game…

I ran into the second of my wife’s famous ex-boyfriends at the 2012 Hollywood Holiday Gifting Suite – where already-way-too-rich celebrities walk around a room at a hotel and accept free shit from vendors hoping to get a celebrity endorsement. Believe it or not, these places exist, and a star like, say, Brian Cranston can walk into one of these any time he wants and be handed $50,000 worth of useless shit for free as long as he poses for a picture with the product. This gifting suite was full of everything you don’t really need. Nespresso Brand Espresso Makers, Stainless Steel facial massagers, strawberry-crystal body scrubs, electronic cigarettes with actor Stephen Dorff’s image in the box…. It was a madhouse. I happened to be there because my friend was one of the vendors and he had snuck me in on the guest list. I was allowed through the velvet rope only after a crew of 20-something girls IMDB’d me and noticed that I was hosting a TV show on AMC. (IMDB is the Internet Movie Data Base… a website full of credits for performers all around the world)

After drinking some horrible peach bellinis with former NBA-player turned TV host John Salley, I strolled through the suite hoping to get anything worth selling on ebay. It was then that I saw Wendy’s ex from the 90’s… a well-known film and TV star who was wheeling around a metal cart full of free stuff behind him.

After observing his behavior for a few minutes, which basically included barking orders at his suite-host and jamming as much crap into his metal basket as he could, I came to the conclusion that he must be a world-class asshole. My wife had mentioned that he had endured years of drug and alcohol abuse, but was supposedly on the straight and narrow now… Still, if there was a rehab for douchebaggery, this guy needed to be shipped there immediately.

At the conclusion of the walk-through, my suite loot consisted of two gold-plated pens, a set of thermal pajamas and an Ipad charger that powered up 9 different devices at the same time. I also got a free week in a Bahamian Hard Rock Hotel… but I was responsible for getting myself there. Basically, that will never happen. Compared to the other actors in the suite, I barely registered. Nobody had heard of the AMC show I was hosting and my request for any of the bigger items was denied.

I wasn’t really that insulted by the lack of attention until I saw Tila Tequila loading up her Range Rover with about six Espresso makers.

Tila-Tequila-130 — Tila Tequila got 6 Espresso Makers

As I waited with a small crowd for my car, I decided to let ex number two know that I had been the one who snagged Wendy Thompson away… It was a small victory, but one I needed to share.

“Hey man,” I said. “You’re that guy from that film, right?” I said.

“Yeah, man… what up.”

“Did you used to date Wendy Thompson?”

He paused and looked me over as his suite host loaded up his Mercedes SUV with free gifts. He lit his new electronic cigarette.

“Yeah, a long time ago, why?”

“Funny, I was going through some old photo albums and saw a bunch of pictures of you in them… like from ’97, right?”

Ex number two cracked his neck and stared me down. He was menacing and steel-eyed. The rasp in his voice screamed of a decade old cocaine habit.

“Why were you going through her photo albums?” He wanted to know.

“Oh, we’re married and I’m sort of the ‘family scrapbooker’” I replied, immediately feeling like a total dweebazoid.

“No way!” He said. “Dude, tell her I said hi… Is she seeing anybody?”

This comment obviously took me aback, considering I had just mentioned that we were married. I came to a quick conclusion that ex number two was not exactly a very bright bulb.

“Uhh, yeah, actually we’re married,” I repeated.

As he peeled a 20-dollar bill off of a fold and handed it to his suite host, he came back and shook my hand.

“I gotta hand it to you, man… She’s a keeper. Don’t fuck it up like I did.”

“Oh, thanks. I won’t.”

At that point, he stared at my meager haul from the gifting suite. It all fit in one canvas bag.

“Dude, you didn’t get an Espresso Maker?” He inquired.

The truth was, I wasn’t offered one. The PR department at Nespresso did not think I was recognizable enough to warrant a gift.

“Naah, dude… We have two already – I didn’t need one,” I lied.

“Bro, all this stuff isn’t for you! I give all this shit away to my family, my sisters, my housekeeper, my agent… You think I really want a stainless steel facial massager? Hell no – my assistant is getting that!”

I nodded. He was smarter than I thought. He had just done all his holiday shopping in one spot for the price of a photograph or two. I was now pissed that I didn’t get a coffee machine.

“Nice to meet you, man,” I offered before he walked to the side of his car to drive off.

“You too, man. Tell Wendy what up for me… And good luck with that! Don’t do what I did!”

And with that, he was gone – off to another gifting suite across town where he would work the Hollywood system once more.

Scrap — As the family “scrapbooker,” I organize old postcards, photos, etc. into albums.

When I got home and told Wendy this story, she proceeded to remind me of his inhuman drug intake, his dismissal from two big Hollywood films and the fact that she once walked in on him masturbating to an Avril Lavigne music video during a family dinner party. We finally agreed that he was a total loser, and I kissed her goodnight fully knowing that I was the luckiest one because I got to sleep next to her. Of course, once the lights went off, she knew exactly how to make me second guess my afternoon’s actions.

“Really?” She said. “You couldn’t get one Nespresso maker?”

Ex number three is currently one of the biggest stars in the world. He sort of stalked Wendy when he followed her to a bar called “Smalls” after a Social Distortion concert in the mid 90’s. His indie film was a big industry darling at the time, and it would eventually lead him to a worldwide recognition. That night at Smalls, he introduced her to Quentin Tarantino and some other heavy partiers who carried the weight of Hollywood in their back pockets. A few dates followed and he casually bumped into her at the restaurant where she worked for awhile until a tabloid photo surfaced of him with a stunningly famous blonde in a Jacuzzi. Since Wendy wasn’t exactly committed to him at the time, she shrugged it off and went on her way. Within a year he was starring in a huge film and three years later he was one of Hollywood’s highest paid actors. All after dating my wife.

comic_con_rotator — Many of my wife’s exes are Comic Con superstars

I ran into him at the Hotel Café on Cahuenga one night after my band had finished playing.

It was a decent crowd for a Thursday. We played a lively set and the owners were all excited about the future of our band. Beer and wine flowed and we all ended up doing shots at the bar before it had expanded into the bigger venue that it is today. It was then that I met ex number three.

Getting to him was harder than the others. He was obviously out to be seen, and had a nest of beautiful women clucking at his feet. When I finally poked through the crowd to order another beer on the band tab, he stopped me.

“Your band was good, I love outlaw country,” he said.

Again, I should have handed him a CD and asked him to get a song in his films. Instead, I brought up Wendy.

“Dude, this is so funny!” I yelled over the crowd. “I married Wendy Thompson!”

He leaned down into my space and took out some homemade ear plugs fastened from paper bar napkins.

“You have a hairy Johnson?” He responded.

Like him or not, the dude was funny.

“No, haha,” I continued. “I married Wendy Thompson…”

He took a minute to register who I was talking about. Apparently, they had been together for two months roughly eight years earlier, but I still expected him to react a little more intrigued.

Instead, he nodded his head and said, “Did I ever sleep with her?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “But you dated awhile back…”

He replaced the earplugs in his ear and looked my way once more. He obviously had no clue who Wendy was or why I was so interested in sharing my matrimonial conquest with him.

He slugged his beer and yelled at me once more.

“If I did sleep with her, that means we’re Eskimo Brothers,” he said.

(For the record, according to UrbanDictionary.com, the term “Eskimo Brothers” is Used to describe two men who have had sex with the same woman.)

Terrific.

“Nice to meet you man,” I screamed.

“Congratulations on getting married,” he said before turning around to watch the next band. Disturbed, I went outside to bum an American Spirit from somebody.

That night I got home and relayed the story to Wendy, who at this point, was starting to find it strange that I was running into all of her exes around town. She said that ex number three was always an ego-maniac and didn’t seem to remember or even care about anyone but himself.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “He was kind of stand-offish…”

We spoke about how famous these guys had become since she had dated them and how successful they seemed on paper and in the magazines, but my wife is always one who is well aware of the fact that success does not equal happiness. As we shared some wine that night and laughed at the incident at the Hotel Café, I relayed how lucky I felt to have found her and to have started our family together and that even if I never became some huge star, I would never ask her to dump me for my own personal success.

Lying in bed that night, I asked her once again if she regretted dumping any of these exes who had turned out to become Hollywood A-Listers.

She rolled over, kissed me softly on the lips and said, “Yes.”

I laughed so hard, I nearly threw up on my thermal pajamas.

“Well, I look at it this way,” I said. “I’m ‘Eskimo Brothers’ with some pretty huge stars…”

She laughed.

“Who am I ‘Eskimo Sisters’ with?” She inquired.

I thought about it for a long time.

“Well, almost Topanga from Boy Meets World,” I said.

She put her arms around me and smiled.

I kissed her on the forehead and turned out the light.

COME SEE ZACH’S BAND PLAY POWERHOUSE in HOLLYWOOD! – TUESDAY NIGHT ! 7:00 -9:00 pm

FREE!

Watch! New Selwyn Bros. SKETCH – “BABY UBER”

June 3, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Sketch Comedy

Directed and Edited by Jesse Selwyn

Written by and Starring Zach Selwyn

Produced by Selwyn Brothers

http://www.cutawaycreative.com

with Amy Redford, Matt August, Opal, Wendy Selwyn, Southerly Selwyn, Aria August and Tiara

Watch Selwyn Brothers video “Chick Drinks”

May 29, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Comedy Music News · comedy, music, lyrics, jay-Z, beyonce, blue ivy

Purple hooters, watermelon shooters…

Directed ad Edited by Jesse Selwyn

Written and performed by Zach Selwyn

song produced by Dan Wistrom

Watch new 2 Scarves video! “Birthday Song” cover by 2 Chainz/Kanye West!

April 29, 2013
by zachselwyn
· comedy, music, lyrics, jay-Z, beyonce, blue ivy

2 scarves

Read Zach’s new Short Story “A Pirate’s Tale!”

February 11, 2013
by zachselwyn
· Short Story · The Writer

pirate-470x313

I just came to the sad conclusion that I would have made a lousy pirate.

My entire life, I have been infatuated with legendary late 17^th century buccaneers and the billowing high sea adventures that they embarked upon. I have fantasized about discovering empirical treasures, establishing sumptuous small island colonies full of sexual heathens, and eating grand carved slices of roast Zebu meat washed down with copious never-ending rivers of Carribean rum… I’ve imagined sailing into tropical ports clad in bulging silken scarves puffed out from manicured vests tethered to worldly fabrics… I’ve envisioned a cutlass tucked in my waistcoat belt complimenting a gun or two hidden upon a hip to be used only in case of discovery or ambush… I have envisioned a fair, virginal maiden awaiting me in every port. For 30 years, I have shouldered dreams of piracy.

images — Pirate Robert Culliford. A rare swashbuckler who lived to enjoy his loot.

I have always foreseen myself living this life – thinking that perhaps I was born at the wrong time and that I was meant to be born a sea-beaten and weathered swashbuckler with a Dread Pirate Roberts-like understanding of wit, trickery, swordsmanship, romance and true love. A mysterious villain with a heart – and a chest – of gold. Lavishly gouging myself on intercontinental coffees and licquers. Forever eluding capture. Leading a wispy life on the wind until the proper time arrives when one must lower his mainsail, trade his beloved ship for gold and retire to live like a king in some far-off heavenly slice of paradise cascading into the far reaches of the sun-drenched Earth… I have secretly hallucinated about my own retirement plan. I visualize my final days spent bearded and leathery, awash in Key West swells, living off the fruits of my lifelong seaworthy labors…

And then my father-in-law invited me out to join him on a fishing trip.

We are very different types of men. We have not necessarily spent a lot of bonding time together, but in the quest to find a connection between my wife’s father and myself, I have tried a lot of angles. What I have discovered, is that it has been fairly hard to find any common ground.

Back in 2001, when my father-in-law and I first met, he had never been to a major league baseball game. I had never fired a gun.

He had never written a sketch or a creative story. I had never flown an airplane off of a carrier in the Pacific Ocean.

He scoffed at the use of profanity – like the word “shit” – in film and television. I had just written a song called Cartoons I’d Like to Fuck.

I immediately knew it was going to be a tough climb.

Over the years, I have divulged that my wife’s father is a true man of the sea. Following a storied 35-plus years as an airline pilot, the events of 9/11 forced him into early retirement. Bored with the sky, he was delighted to be focusing his attention on his true love: THE OCEAN. He celebrates the big blue and all that comes with it, everywhere. For instance…

His house is decorated like the inside of a cheesy Santa Monica seafood restaurant. Old fishing nets line the kitchen walls, complete with plastic lobsters caught in their webs. Vintage boat steering wheel-clocks help you keep time at over 26 different spots in the den. At least five small, circular windows are placed on the port and starboard side of the living room. In one room, shark teeth serve as a makeshift picture frame for his wedding photo. Above his bed is a thrift store painting of Captain Cook inspecting a compass and a map. Finally, his shower curtains are seven foot-tall lug sails that he ordered on ebay.

Friends who have visited sometimes refer to his home as “Red Lobster.”

lively-and-fun — The stuffed shark and captain’s wheel are dream pieces for my father-in-law’s living room

I will say that I absolutely respect his love and passionate worship of the sea. It is his true mistress. When we visit him at his house in Washington State every Christmas, I often find him avoiding the shrieking outbursts of my children by stepping outside, making a fire and longingly staring out across open water where an undiscovered land of opportunity awaits him. I never understood why he did it, but I would not put it past him to believe that somewhere on that horizon lies an island with a river of frozen pina coladas, buried treasure and a pulsating posse of randy mermaids shape-shifting from sea creatures to women – prepared to satisfy his every perverted need.

In short, he also harbors dreams of being a pirate.

My father-in-law had owned a beautiful sailboat for many years and took his family around the world and home again on it as a younger man, but his post-retirement dream was to refurbish another boat into his vision of the ultimate dream cruiser. His plan was to take us all around the world in four years.

In 2001, he bought the boat. Following some bad luck, terrible storms and unfortunate circumstances, he sold that boat for half of its value nearly a decade later. It had never left the dock.

My father-in-law’s doomed “dream boat” circa 2006.

However, in 2012, he finally got a vessel he deemed worthy. It is a beautiful boat – with sleeping room for eight – common hang out areas and gorgeous deck space. He spent the majority of the past year sailing it from Maryland, between some Caribbean islands, through the Panama Canal and up back towards Seattle. It was his dream journey. When I heard that he was on this fabulous trip, my old brigand dreams were rekindled. I harkened back to my obsession with colorful pirate captains like Robert Culliford, Blackbeard and Calico Jack. I dreamt of a night on that boat, searching high above for the Andromeda Galaxy through my spyglass while cosmically spaced out on aged Puerto Rican spiced rum.

And then, in March, my family received his postcard from the island of St. Croix illuminating us on everything we were missing. As I sat on my couch, firing up another game of Wii Wipeout, I realized that he was absolutely right. And I was jealous. My father-in-law was out on the high seas, island hopping and fishing for his dinner – while I was spending my life about to challenge my six-year-old on the treacherous Wipeout “Big Balls.”

Luckily, one night during last year’s holidays, my father-in-law and I happened upon the fantastic film Hornblower on television. I had a few glasses of wine and immediately fell into the story. It was fascinating. He informed me that he had the entire mini-series (on VHS, nonetheless) and we tackled all eight parts within the next three nights. After that, we went through Master and Commander, Dead Calm, Treasure Island and the Pirates of the Carribean collection. It was then, that I inquired about possibly joining him on his next worldwide journey.

“Why don’t you start by coming out with me tomorrow?” He offered. “I’m going to set some crab traps and head to Port Orchard Bay to do some fishing.”

My eyes lit up. Crab traps? Fishing? A boat? I know it wasn’t exactly commandeering a massive English Man-of-War, but it was a start. I figured I would get my sea legs, catch some fresh dinner and be back by sunset to drink some beer and cook fish while counting the easy sailboats in the harbor. My first pirate adventure awaited me. I felt like those lifelong deckhand barflies who spend their lives in the bars of port towns like Bremerton, awaiting the rare Alaskan fishing vessels to offer them jobs out on the icy water for a three month run where they might make enough to stay in booze for weeks.

My wife was her usual supportive self. “Don’t come back with a peg-leg,” she requested.

One year for Hannukkah my in-laws gave me this book. Its awesome.

I slept well that night, anticipating my maiden voyage on his boat, The Great Orca II, where I would ride the Pacific Northwest waves until I was christened first mate. I awoke at dawn to pack and head on out on the open water.

Before we set out, I took my journal with me hoping to find some inspiration. I also fastened my guitar to my back – knowing that pirates always appreciated a good sea shanty – and tucked my headphones into my jacket pocket. As the sun rose, I watched my father-in-law put on a set of rubber pants and some Merrell boots as I laced up my Converse All-Stars. I arrived in the kitchen ready to embark on our little journey with my guitar and ipad. He arrived with a woven beanie and a pair of pliers in his hand.

“What are those for?” I asked.

“In case we hit something and one of your teeth pops loose.”

I froze. He smiled.

“So, what’s your sea name gonna be?” He asked me.

“Excuse me?” I said. “Sea name?”

“All my passengers must create sea names for themselves when we are out on the water. You know, aliases. I always go by ‘Captain T.’’

I thought about it. A sea name! Cool! It would be like my pirate name… I knew it had to be something legendary, with a little flourish and a hardened edge. Something like “Black Pistol Bluebird McCoy…”

Knowing that there was a “Pirate Name Generator” on the internet – (look it up) – I quickly logged on and typed in my name. Sadly, their suggestion wasn’t the heroic adventurer name I had imagined. On the website, it read:

Yarr olde name be Zachary Selwyn. But we’ll now call ye:

PANTS DOWN DARIUS

Pants-Down Darius?

My wife laughed. So did my mother-in-law. I demanded to re-enter my name, but it was too late. The new sea name had stuck.

“Hey, Pants-Down,” Captain T yelled. “Don’t bring your guitar unless you want it to get ruined.”

(For the record, when my father-in-law typed in his name, he was anointed Pirate Laszlo the Ochre… Lucky bastard.)

Now I have certainly been fishing a number of times. However, most of the deep sea adventures I have been on involved a drunk Mexican pontoon boat captain named “Suarez” and an unlimited supply of Modelo Especial somewhere down in Cabo San Lucas. I figured this little trip would be the Pacific Northwest version of that. Basically, at a short little booze cruise into Port Orchard Bay.

As I slipped on the wet step-ladder that hoists a passenger into his boat, Captain T called back towards the house where my wife and kids were waving good-bye from the back porch.

“Better stand in the ‘widow’s peak’ now,” he chortled. “He might not make it two knots!”

Widow’s peak? Knots? Sailor humor, I figured. I stepped into the cabin and drank some coffee. It was cold outside, but I figured the sun might come up soon enough for me to catch some open sea rays before catching our lunch and heading home. I lied down to try and catch another ten minutes of rest.

Five minutes later, we set off from the dock, and I suddenly found myself alone, in the water with my father-in-law. It suddenly dawned on me that if my daughter was to ever marry a man like me, I would someday do everything I could to find a way to “accidentally” push him off of a boat into arctic waters. I immediately became paranoid that I was on a boat trip not unlike the one the character “Big Pussy” made with Tony on The Sopranos.

After getting out of the inlet waters that are surrounded by hilltop mansions of Bainbridge Island, we settled into a nice stretch of slightly bumpy water where I figured we might drop some crab traps. As it turns out, we were early. Captain T informed me that we were just stalking until the tide came back out. I looked at my watch. It was 8:13 a.m.

“What time does the tide come back out?” I asked.

“Around 10,” he responded.

The next hour was remarkably the most relaxed I had been since we arrived for the holidays five days prior. Captain T and I played cards, looked at pictures on our iphones and talked about what type of fish we wanted to have when we got back to shore. We both snacked on some almonds and popped open bottles of Amber Lager while playing the card game “Casino.” We discussed my children, our careers, and how good life would be once we emptied his crab pots and relished in the brilliant shellfish found below the surface. There was no Spongebob on TV, no diapers to change and no wives to harass us abotu drinking beers at 8:30 in the morning.

“Are there laws about how long you have to be sober before flying a plane?” I asked.

“When I flew for Pan Am the rule was eight hours bottle to throttle.”

“What about when you’re on a boat?” I inquired.

“Probably something like, ‘don’t get in trouble, drop anchor when you see double.’”

It was by far the hardest my father-in-law has ever made me laugh.

It might not have been piracy, but it was a deep hang. One that I enjoyed so much, I began doing math numbers in my head to figure out how much property I could get in a small Seattle waterfront town if I sold my house in Hollywood. Bottom line? I could probably get a shitload. And a decent boat. And I could probably purchase and work at a small fireworks stand on the side of the road near the Suquamish Indian Reservation. For 45 minutes, I was truly considering this massive life change.

And then the storm broke.

The Pacific Northwest isn’t exactly known for its dry weather. In fact, they average 23 days of sunshine a year – which explains the high suicide rates and tremendous coffee production. Sometimes, when we visit, we get lucky and only have to withstand a small patch of overcast skies and minimal rain. Unfortunately, this afternoon was not one of those times.

Sheets of water began pulsating against the Great Orca II forcing us to cut our engine and enclose ourselves in a plastic sheathing to protect the engine room. I helped button down a few knobs, but I began to get a little concerned when, following a heavy pane of rain, I heard my father-in-law cursing at something from below the deck. Being that he was a man who found Mary Poppins to be morally reprehensible, I was amazed at his sudden vulgarity. The man I had known for 11 years suddenly became a re-incarnation of the revolting British pirate Batholomew Sharp.

As a rule, in his home, the word “damn” summoned up punishment.

Out here, on the water, the words “fucking cockshit” suddenly became acceptable.

“Something wrong, sir?” I yelled below deck.

“Stay up there Pants-Down,” he yelled back.

I leaned against my seat and did my best to ignore the boat’s nauseating rocking motion. I dumped the remainder of my beer over the side.

“We got a breach in the hull,” he yelled. “Get me my black toolbox, NOW!”

I panicked. Not knowing where he stored it, I frantically searched in the state room before coming across what I thought was a black tool box. I brought it down to him and he slapped it away.

“That’s a God-Damn tackle box, Zach!”

So much for only using our sea-names.

“Stay here and apply pressure to where this leak is coming through, got it?” He said.

I nodded and applied pressure on a tarpaulin that he had fastened over a small crack in the boat’s bottom. Water was seeping in fast. Assuming the hole didn’t get any bigger, I figured we had three hours before we would be re-enacting scenes from The Perfect Storm.

When Captain T got back down, he cursed at the scene and thrust me out of his way. He threw open his tool kit and removed some puddy-like mold and went to work. I sat there, frozen for what seemed like 20 minutes.

“Anything I can help with?” I offered.

“Go upstairs and radio the Coast Guard… We might be stuck out here tonight.”

Back above deck, I fiddled with the radio, but had no idea what the hell I was doing. When I couldn’t get any response when I simply garbled “SOS” into the receiver. I figured we were done for. We were barely five miles from his house, but we were in the middle of nowhere. Looking around, I did not see another vessel in sight. It was time I faced my immediate pirate future. I would be buried at sea.

In the world of ancient pirate adventures, rarely did a buccaneer get a chance to enjoy the treasures he pilfered. Most pirate galleons were besieged by disease, starvation, dehydration and terrible, long droughts of immobility. Ships would fail to catch wind and be stranded in the middle of oceans for days on end, making life hell for the crew. Very few pirates got away with anything without dire punishment. Should a pirate be captured, his life became even more unpleasant, and many spent years holed up in dank, smelly, cavernous prisons chained to walls and a chamber pot. If one was lucky enough to get pardoned, he would more than likely end up penniless and ruined. The lucky ones died of scurvy or dehydration. Many hung from gallows to welcome incoming ships and warn them against the joys of piracy. Making it out alive in the world of 17 and 18^th century piracy was about as common as moving to Hollywood tomorrow and becoming the next Hugh Jackman. Very few pirates actually got to enjoy their riches, and most were killed, imprisoned or tortured for their brief careers as marauders of the seven seas. It took a strong will to be a pirate, spending a treacherous nine months on a boat hoping for one miraculous ship capture and a raid that would make you rich.

The toughest ones stuck it out.

I had been at sea for a grand total of two hours and five minutes and I was ready to abandon ship.

About ten minutes after I had given up on the pirate life, Captain T came back up to the bridge and asked me for a towel. When I handed him one, I noticed that he was soaking wet and smelled like the open sea. He was shivering something fierce and his droopy face beneath his wool cap made him look a little like a drowned sea lion.

“Well, I got the leak fixed,” he said.

I nearly got up and hugged him. I couldn’t believe it

“Any word from the Coast Guard?”

“Uhh, no,” I replied. “I wasn’t really sure how to call them.”

Captain T handled the radio and spoke into it. When he did not receive a response, he calmly holstered the radio and sat back in the Captain’s seat.

“Looks like we might have to tough it out and get back home through the storm,” he mumbled.

As the wind raged on and the boat rocked back and forth a few times, I found myself a victim of seasickness. Vomiting over the side of a rocking boat in the middle of the ocean is a wonderful experience, let me tell you. Especially when your father-in-law captain recommends aiming it into the wind so that it doesn’t fly downwind and land on any leather boat cushions.

Captain T straightened out some things that had come off the walls before fastening nearly everything down and telling me to hold on to anything I could find. He flipped on the engine and guided the boat to turn around.

“Anything I can help with?” I asked.

“You can get us a couple of beers,” he said. “This is gonna be a rough re-entry.”

The next three hours, I watched my father-in-law in his element. Whereas I had spent the afternoon scared for my life, he was fighting mother nature like I imagined Captain Kidd would have done while guiding his ship from the shores of Madagascar back to New York Harbor. My father-in-law was magnificent. He relished in every challenge and every chance he got to steer clear of an oncoming swell or ride through a air pocket with ease.

pirates-of-the-caribbean-002 — How I saw my father-in-law out on the water

No wonder this guy had flown planes for 35 years, I thought to myself.

It was a true mark of bravery. One that reduced me from a heroic and valiant wannabe pirate – into a lowly stowaway, longing to warm my feet by a fire while flipping through 298 television stations.

He dipped over waves and squinted through the wind like a cast member of Deadliest Catch. His beard had tiny icicles forming below his nostrils and he was doing it while wearing nothing but a cap, rubber jacket and a long sleeve shirt.

Meantime, I was in nine layers of long johns and two sweaters.

About two hours later, we safely made it back to the dock where I helped tie up some lines and put out ship bumpers so that we wouldn’t scratch the vessel. As I walked up the dock towards the house, I looked through the windows. I noticed the familiar positioning of my family. My wife was on the couch. The boy was yielding a lightsaber by the kitchen table and my mother-in-law stood cooking chili. I stopped and looked for a minute at this Rockwell-like serenity and for a moment, considered waiting for Captain T to come out of the boathouse so that he could share the praise with me. After all, we had survived the storm! We had made it through! We were men of action. True sea-dogs. Quite possibly the closest we would be to pirates our entire lives.

Badass+Pirate+by+anry — How I always envisioned myself as a pirate…

How my father-in-law envisions me

6a00d83507d40253ef0105356d8d17970b-400wi — How I always envisioned myself as a pirate…

How my father-in-law envisions me

I knew our story wouldn’t be as impressive once we relayed it to our couch-dwelling family members, but it was still something to be proud of. We had gone out fishing, fixed a damaged hull and returned home with all of our limbs. For the first time in awhile, I felt like a man. I couldn’t wait to get back inside and relay our brave story, crack a cold beer and impress my wife and kids with my tall tale of heroism.

I opened the sliding glass door that led out to the boathouse and wiped my feet on the mat. I stood in front of my wife and kids, awaiting some admiration, questioning and hero-worship. After all, when pirates would return home after time at sea, they were lavishly praised and decorated by their loved ones. I was hoping for a similar treatment.

“How was it, Pants-Down?” My wife asked.

I now understand why my father-in-law always stares out at the water…

—

WATCH Zach on “Guinness World records Gone Wild!” on Tru TV this Thursday at 8 pm GWRecords

and “IMMORTALIZED” on AMC – This Thursday at 10:00 pm!!!!