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Yep. It’s that time of year again where we crown the best K-6 party schools in the country!
10, Little Red Wagon, Marin County, CA. – Nestled north of San Francisco and south of wine country, this K-through-6 party school is known for its tech-savvy parents and their wild weekend ragers. Moms like Tricia Trophee have been known to drink wine at 2:00 in the afternoon following sessions of hot yoga. The yearly “Pumpkin Fund Raiser” has been nicknamed the “Drunken Fun Rager” by parents for years, culminating in three arrests on campus last year alone. Plus, in this MILF-heavy town, tech money goes a long way in keeping up appearances.
- Studio City Elementary – Los Angeles, CA. – Forget Beverly Hills. If you want to send your school with the best looking moms and dads in the country, look no further than this private elementary that runs upwards of $28,000 a year. And it’s worth it for the parties and the parade of failed actresses and ex-models sending their kids here. Wife-swapping rumors have circulated for years, but it’s their “White Christmas” school party that impressed us. Sources say a dad is also a full-time cocaine dealer and the party (Which featured DJ Tiesto) indeed lived up to its “White Christmas” namesake.
- Sarah Palin Elementary, Phoenix, Az. – Re-naming this school “Sarah Palin “in 2008 wasn’t the smartest thing Phoenix officials have done, but it certainly upped the hotness factor. Ex Arizona State students who remain in the Tempe area are known to tap kegs at the 5th grade basketball games – which have broughtin many college recruiters. Plus, a 2015 study revealed that 1 in 5 parents have been featured in one way or another on internet porn websites.
- Denver Charter – Denver CO. – The recent legalization of marijuana in Denver earned the city nearly a billion dollars in its first year. That means parents are partying. Nearly every parent carries a vape pen and makes a nightly stop at local pot shop “The Grass Station.” (Where 15% of proceeds go back to the school). Many parents are tattooed as well can be found all winter long slamming peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate in rented cabins and chalets across the Rocky Mountains.
- Benjamin Button Elementary – Philadelphia, PA. – Named after the dramatic 2013 film starring Brad Pitt, it got its name because every parent there seems to be looking younger as the years go on. Why? Some say it’s the HGH the school administers to parent volunteers who help out as crossing guards and lunch servers. That, coupled with a rising heroin problem, has made this school a perennial top ten on our list. Plus, one dad at the school is rumored to have seven children from 4 different women. Play on playa.
- Battle Creek Elementary – Battle Creek, MI. – Yearly parent parties, such as the “Hash Bash,” “Kids and Kegs” and “Pimps Up Hoes Down” have yielded plenty a “hot mom boob flash” on Snapchat. Fake boobs are a thing here, and nearly every mom loves showing off their bolt-ons once the drinks start flowing. Nearly every parent is involved in a micro brew business as well, and local craft beers keep these hard partying Midwesterners drunk and horny all year round.
- Totem Pole Elementary – Seattle WA. – The Pacific Northwest has it all. Craft beer, wine, legal weed and RAIN which keeps a lot of parents indoors. Here is where the heavy partying parents celebrate each Seahawks game with mugs of Mac and Jack beer and key parties. One Dad, Zachary Wingate, brought a 2 foot beer bong to his 6 year old daughter’s birthday last year. Nearly all the parents got hammered. With the sun going down so early, most of these parents start hitting the bottle around 3:00 – which has led to quite a few divorces and at least 9 suicides in 3 years.
- David and Goliath K-5 – Hollywood, CA. – One mom, Rachel Steinbart, went viral last year when a topless dance photo surfaced of her living it up at the annual “Spring Fling” Carnival in April. Known as the internet famous “Best Mom Tits Ever” – she is currently negotiating a reality show about her life, her kids and her impending divorce. She is also rumored to be dating 80’s hearthrob Scott Baio. (Just another day I Hollywood, I guess). Other famous parents at the elementary include Minnie Driver, Ex Pornstar Taylor Canzzz and one of the Baldwin brothers. (Not Alec). With most parents barely caring about their kids education, this school is known for its expense accounts, liquor bills at Mastro’s and overall hungover disposition.
- Deerborn Elementary – Silver Lake, CA. – With the hotness factor skewing younger and younger, this $32,000 a year private K-6 is home to some of the best looking parents we’ve ever seen. (If you can ignore a resting bitch face once in awhile). The hair is perfect and the bodies taut and tight. This leads to a lot of swimming parties including Summer’s “Drool in my Pool” and the “Midsummer Wet Dream” party hosted by former Playboy editor Robert Carlotta at his 9800 square foot home. Deerborn released a popular 12-month calendar last year called “Milfs in Thongs” which sold out and raised $140,000 for the school.
- Goodenough Elementary – San Diego CA. Last year’s #1 repeats as the drugs got better and the yearly “School Trip to Burning Man” got saucier. Parents have been known to do molly on weekends during soccer games and smoke weed at the legendary 4:20 statue on campus. Gar Thomas has 3 kids from 3 ex-models. Stacy Brown is a swimsuit and lingerie model with a 3rd grader. Hart Fraulich is rumored to have slept with the (very sexy ) and hard partying 3rd grade teacher Katie Pollen – as well as Christine Cox, a volunteer music teacher. Everyone is beautiful and nearly everyone is high. Pure MDMA can be bought from the janitor and San Diego’s wild, sexy attitude runs rampant through this gorgeous $40,000 a year campus. Look out for the “Halloweenis” party where parents trick or treat drunk and have been known to copulate on lawns of neighborhood homes.