I just had the orgasm of the century. Remember that Mento in a Diet Coke two-liter experiment that exploded on the internet about 15 years ago? Well, no—it wasn’t like that. But it was intense, and one of those “starts three minutes before it ends” kind of orgasms…. And guess what? It wasn’t due to some steamy extramarital affair with some porn star from an XXX adult film called Stranger Thongs…. This was because of the potent cocktail of THC and aphrodisiac properties that are in certain modern cannabis products, mixed with a Livinia Sex Gummy, some terpene-forward flower, and a female pheromone arousal oil. I may have sprained an ankle.
In the past few years, modern cannabis has refined multiple new products that can enhance one’s sexual libido and appetite to a point where the adjective “purple” can be used to visually describe an erection….
Zach recently began shooting a multi-episode series for History Chanel – where Zach travels deep into the heart of America to find the most unique and unusual people, jobs, locations and history he can find! Produced by Bullet Point Films, expect the series to premiere on TV and online in late 2017 or early 2018! Here’s a sneak peak of Zach at Rhinebeck Aerodrome in upstate New York and in Grand Teton National Park… Look for him on the road!
Zach and Missi Pyle have a new podcast called “Missi and Zach Might Bang!” Exec. Produced by Anna Faris and Sim Sarna of “Anna Faris is Unqualified” – the show takes on celebrity guests, improvisational music and offers entertainment business advice as well! Head to http://www.ewpopfest.com to buy tickets now!!!
Zachariah’s new song explores the corporate logo marketing travesty that all of us 90’s kids endure every time we see a Nirvana or Ramones shirt for sale in Target or Wal-Mart. Back in 1992 I had to go to the concert to buy a $30 shirt. Now the logo is on onesies.
*Warning – the following story contains sexually graphic and disgusting situations
My wife recently bought a $300 vibrator. It’s called a stingray. It pulsates. It’s waterproof. And it does everything but make sandwiches. My wife swears by it and they have a special relationship that extends beyond the bedroom. This throbbing beast has been brought up consistently at dinner conversations since she purchased it… I believe she even told her mother about it, as if she was introducing her to her new boyfriend.
Women have been celebrating the vibrator for hundreds of years… It’s universally acceptable and widely acknowledged that most sexually healthy females have some sort of throbbing stunt penis hiding beneath a pile of T-shirts in their dresser drawers.
However, if I came home one day with a $300 sex toy, it would be considered taboo. Men who do this sort of stuff have long been labeled as perverts and sexual deviants. And, men don’t really discuss masturbation details over wine and pasta at a group dinner.
But why?
Maybe men and sex toys do not go together because most men are seemingly easier to please. After all, all we need is a magazine, a free hand and some “me time.”
The famous Australian man caught “beating it” at work in 2013
I have never used a sex toy on myself. I am not saying that I haven’t been intrigued by the molds of “Jenna Haze’s Pussy and Asshole” that I have seen for sale at an adult store, but shelling out hundreds of dollars for a rubber vagina has never been high on my priority list. Plus.” Real Dolls” are like, five grand. Plus, in humble my opinion, nothing could really beat the time-honored tradition of good old fashioned jerking-off.
But then someone sent me a free “Fleshlight.”
Holy shit.
I had heard about the Fleshlight forever. It was an early podcast sponsor and was the rage of the Adult Video Awards when I covered them for a TV show back in 2007. But still, I had never tried one, and I wasn’t exactly running out to make a purchase without knowing that it would be worth it… Then again, it’s not exactly the type of thing you borrow from a buddy…
Opening the box, I was amazed to find that there are like, 25 different types of Fleshlight models ranging from any body orafice to Jenna Haze to an actual weird blue ALIEN vagina that I assume is supposed to make you feel like you are fucking Neytiri, Zoe Saldana’s character from Avatar…
You can choose the between Jenna Haze model…
And the strange blue “Alien” option…
You are able to choose from a bevy of porn star clitoral replicas and adjust the suction level by twisting the back of the casing. It came with lube (necessary to simulate female wetness) and a cleaning cloth. It also had extensive directions about how to “wash your sleeve of remaining fluids” once you were done with it. This was a no-nonsense operation.
I settled in one day after work before my wife and kids had come home from baseball practice. I opened up my Fleshlight and examined it. This particular model was not a signature porn star version, it was a “Stamina Training Unit” – meaning it was supposed to help you train to maintain an erection longer should you ever have a real life sexual encounter… This was the “elliptical” of Fleshlights.
My first touch of the thing was unsettling. I felt weird. Deviant. I was fondling with an artificial body part. You know those weird people you see on TV who dig up corpses and have sex with them? For a second I wondered if I had stooped to their level.
Until I inserted myself.
It had been 15 years since I had felt any sexual pleasure with anyone other than my wife. I’m not sure how, but I suddenly became engorged and remained rock hard for the next seven minutes of thrusting, adjusting my technique, rhythm and stroke to this Fleshlight as if I was trying to give it an orgasm. Throughout this blissful and pure rubber sexual adventure, I felt as giddy as a 15-year-old learning how to unhook a bra strap in high school. It was something new and exciting…
As I approached climax, I was wondering if it was a customary rule to finish inside the device – or if the recommended method was to jizz onto any nearby available tube sock. While deciding to pull myself out from the sensual erotic vagina, I grabbed and looked at the manual… It did not offer any “jizz directions.”
I found myself climaxing into the sleeve. I immediately doubled over onto my bed as if I was 17 again and in the back of my Dodge Lancer. I was feeling pretty satisfied.
And that’s when the guilt settled in.
I had a large device on my penis. I had just cum into it and I was immediately dreading the moment when my son or wife would walk in. I began wondering if I had somehow caught an STD from the Fleshlight. Worst of all, I had to eventually pull out… which was a feeling that was so hauntingly real, that it reminded me of all the dorm rooms I had left at two in the morning in college after drunken sex romps… In my mind, I felt like I had somehow cheated on my wife with a Pi Beta Phi sophomore.
My friend Mark, who works in virtual reality calmed my fears when I called and told him that I was not feeling very good following the encounter.
“Dude, I’ve gone through, like – six Fleshlights!,” he said. “I get one every year… I had the Jesse Jayne model last year, bruh, that shit was nice! You should change them every six months or so.”
Woah, six Fleshlights? The Jesse Jayne model? Change them every six months? Obviously I was not living up to my masturbatory potential.
“Wait til you see this virtual reality shit we’re coming out with in a few years,” Mark explained. “Dude, you’ll be able to fuck Jessica Biel on a beach while Justin Timberlake is tied up to a nearby palm tree, crying.”
Virtual Reality porn is about to change out lives…
“Are you serious?” I responded.
“Dude, sex is about to go so virtual, we’re gonna all turn into a world of jizz monkeys shooting 9 to 10 loads a day.”
“Dude, in the future you’ll be able to fuck Jessica Biel on a beach while Justin Timberlake is tied up to a nearby palm tree, crying,” my friend Mark told me.
I did some research. If Mark’s prediction, and the internet is correct, the world will enter the virtual porn sex space in the next few years. People will put on their devices and set up a “scene” where they can have sex with a digital female while they pleasure themselves physically. At first, the sex models will be outrageously priced and unaffordable, but eventually, both men and women will all be pounding away at any number of virtual lovers through the power of visual stimulation.
That’s on some Westworld level shit right there.
Feeling less guilty about my Fleshlight encounter, I read the manual about how to clean it out. I learned that Fleshlight makes a special soap that I would now have to buy if I wanted it to stay in pristine condition. I would also have to double up on my lubrication as the sample pack they included was quite small. And then there is the washing of it. Running warm water through a fake vagina isn’t the most comforting part about using a Fleshlight, but it’s a necessary one if you want to keep it in good condition.
It’s like cleaning your bar-be-cue after every use.
When my wife got home, I shared my experience with her and she actually was proud of me. She told me that she thought men should be able to experience the heightened pleasure of something other than just your hand once in a while. Hearing this got me thinking…
“Well, look,” I said. “Pretty soon there’s gonna be a virtual reality device where I can have sex with Jessica Biel on a beach, can I get that too?”
“Sure, if I can get one where I bang DeAndre Jordan,” she responded.
“Oh, uhmm, let me think about it,” I responded.
I went upstairs and hid my Fleshlight beneath some t-shirts in my dresser…
Yep. It’s that time of year again where we crown the best K-6 party schools in the country!
10, Little Red Wagon, Marin County, CA. – Nestled north of San Francisco and south of wine country, this K-through-6 party school is known for its tech-savvy parents and their wild weekend ragers. Moms like Tricia Trophee have been known to drink wine at 2:00 in the afternoon following sessions of hot yoga. The yearly “Pumpkin Fund Raiser” has been nicknamed the “Drunken Fun Rager” by parents for years, culminating in three arrests on campus last year alone. Plus, in this MILF-heavy town, tech money goes a long way in keeping up appearances.
Little Red Wagon Mom Tricia Trophee starts on the Chardonnay at 2 pm
Studio City Elementary – Los Angeles, CA. – Forget Beverly Hills. If you want to send your school with the best looking moms and dads in the country, look no further than this private elementary that runs upwards of $28,000 a year. And it’s worth it for the parties and the parade of failed actresses and ex-models sending their kids here. Wife-swapping rumors have circulated for years, but it’s their “White Christmas” school party that impressed us. Sources say a dad is also a full-time cocaine dealer and the party (Which featured DJ Tiesto) indeed lived up to its “White Christmas” namesake.
Sarah Palin Elementary, Phoenix, Az. – Re-naming this school “Sarah Palin “in 2008 wasn’t the smartest thing Phoenix officials have done, but it certainly upped the hotness factor. Ex Arizona State students who remain in the Tempe area are known to tap kegs at the 5th grade basketball games – which have broughtin many college recruiters. Plus, a 2015 study revealed that 1 in 5 parents have been featured in one way or another on internet porn websites.
Ex ASU Student Heather Gillespie with her newborn and a cig and some wine
Denver Charter – Denver CO. – The recent legalization of marijuana in Denver earned the city nearly a billion dollars in its first year. That means parents are partying. Nearly every parent carries a vape pen and makes a nightly stop at local pot shop “The Grass Station.” (Where 15% of proceeds go back to the school). Many parents are tattooed as well can be found all winter long slamming peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate in rented cabins and chalets across the Rocky Mountains.
A typical pre-carpool ritual in Denver
Benjamin Button Elementary – Philadelphia, PA. – Named after the dramatic 2013 film starring Brad Pitt, it got its name because every parent there seems to be looking younger as the years go on. Why? Some say it’s the HGH the school administers to parent volunteers who help out as crossing guards and lunch servers. That, coupled with a rising heroin problem, has made this school a perennial top ten on our list. Plus, one dad at the school is rumored to have seven children from 4 different women. Play on playa.
Battle Creek Elementary – Battle Creek, MI. – Yearly parent parties, such as the “Hash Bash,” “Kids and Kegs” and “Pimps Up Hoes Down” have yielded plenty a “hot mom boob flash” on Snapchat. Fake boobs are a thing here, and nearly every mom loves showing off their bolt-ons once the drinks start flowing. Nearly every parent is involved in a micro brew business as well, and local craft beers keep these hard partying Midwesterners drunk and horny all year round.
Mom Stacy Sher at last years Pimps and Hoes Party
Totem Pole Elementary – Seattle WA. – The Pacific Northwest has it all. Craft beer, wine, legal weed and RAIN which keeps a lot of parents indoors. Here is where the heavy partying parents celebrate each Seahawks game with mugs of Mac and Jack beer and key parties. One Dad, Zachary Wingate, brought a 2 foot beer bong to his 6 year old daughter’s birthday last year. Nearly all the parents got hammered. With the sun going down so early, most of these parents start hitting the bottle around 3:00 – which has led to quite a few divorces and at least 9 suicides in 3 years.
Mom Kathy Jackson was arrested for cocaine distribution last year
David and Goliath K-5 – Hollywood, CA. – One mom, Rachel Steinbart, went viral last year when a topless dance photo surfaced of her living it up at the annual “Spring Fling” Carnival in April. Known as the internet famous “Best Mom Tits Ever” – she is currently negotiating a reality show about her life, her kids and her impending divorce. She is also rumored to be dating 80’s hearthrob Scott Baio. (Just another day I Hollywood, I guess). Other famous parents at the elementary include Minnie Driver, Ex Pornstar Taylor Canzzz and one of the Baldwin brothers. (Not Alec). With most parents barely caring about their kids education, this school is known for its expense accounts, liquor bills at Mastro’s and overall hungover disposition.
Mom and ex-pornstar Taylor Canzzz
Deerborn Elementary – Silver Lake, CA. – With the hotness factor skewing younger and younger, this $32,000 a year private K-6 is home to some of the best looking parents we’ve ever seen. (If you can ignore a resting bitch face once in awhile). The hair is perfect and the bodies taut and tight. This leads to a lot of swimming parties including Summer’s “Drool in my Pool” and the “Midsummer Wet Dream” party hosted by former Playboy editor Robert Carlotta at his 9800 square foot home. Deerborn released a popular 12-month calendar last year called “Milfs in Thongs” which sold out and raised $140,000 for the school.
Goodenough Elementary – San Diego CA. Last year’s #1 repeats as the drugs got better and the yearly “School Trip to Burning Man” got saucier. Parents have been known to do molly on weekends during soccer games and smoke weed at the legendary 4:20 statue on campus. Gar Thomas has 3 kids from 3 ex-models. Stacy Brown is a swimsuit and lingerie model with a 3rd grader. Hart Fraulich is rumored to have slept with the (very sexy ) and hard partying 3rd grade teacher Katie Pollen – as well as Christine Cox, a volunteer music teacher. Everyone is beautiful and nearly everyone is high. Pure MDMA can be bought from the janitor and San Diego’s wild, sexy attitude runs rampant through this gorgeous $40,000 a year campus. Look out for the “Halloweenis” party where parents trick or treat drunk and have been known to copulate on lawns of neighborhood homes.
